


What Could Have Been

by sceawere



Series: 'These Moments' Verse aka John OC Family Verse [6]
Category: Peaky Blinders (TV)
Genre: Children, F/M, Family, Guns, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-12-14 18:17:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21020138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sceawere/pseuds/sceawere
Summary: Anon requested John’s kids finding and playing with one of his guns and how you deal with the aftermath.-You crouched down by the bed, pulling his collar away to check at his bandage.“I dreamt I was a soldier. When dad was, we were all there, I was with them” he recounted, and your blood ran cold. You shook your head with a light smile, pushing hair back from his sweaty temple.“Well you weren’t baby, ok. You’re not a soldier. You don’t have to be a soldier”He adjusted in the covers, unphased by your words. “No, I wasn’t scared, mum. I was brave, I promise”





	What Could Have Been

**Author's Note:**

> For people who weren't around when I made this family on Tumblr, the family is as follows:
> 
> John + Reader  
Child 1: George Thomas Shelby  
Child 2: Joseph Patrick Shelby  
Child 3: Katie Meredith Shelby (aka Katty)  
Child 4: William Benjamin Shelby  
Child 5: Elsie Amelia Shelby (isn't born in this fic yet).

You lay beside the kids, fixing the covers around them and flattening their hair as you watched them sleep. Your heart was still beating heavy. It had slowed to normal, but every thud against your ribcage echoed through your chest and stole half your breath. The shadow of the adrenaline still snuck into the root of your nerves, rolling over your skin, leaving faint prickles in its wake.

The scrape of the lock downstairs made you set your jaw and your eyes fill. You took deep breaths, reaching down to the pit of your stomach with each draw. The steps kept pace with your heart, beating opposite to each other, filling the space the other left.

You shot your eyes up to him as he pushed through the doorway, bringing his hand up to grasp the doorframe and leaning his head against the fist, smirking.

“Thought you’d all skipped out on me. Never heard ‘em so quiet” he joked, and you grit your teeth.

“Get out”

His face fell and he moved away from the doorway, standing straight.

“What?”

“Get…out of this room. Wait for me in the hall” you commanded.

“What are y-“

“John. Get. Out”

He huffed, flicking his eyes down to the kids before turning and leaving. He shook his head all the while, confused as to why exactly you were glaring at him.

You took a few quick breaths, trying to steady yourself and prepare exactly what you wanted to say to him. Planning out how this confrontation would go. You knew it would probably be out the window the second you stepped through the door. That it would pour from you however it could find its way. But you could try.

You gave one last check on the kids, rolling from the bed as gently as you could so as not to jostle them from sleep. The click of the lock behind you rang so loud in the hall it almost made you cringe.

“You gonna explain to me exactly what I’ve done. Cos I ain’t got a fucking clue” your husband was resting against the opposite wall.

“See the back window on the way in?” you gripped your hands at your waist.

“No, I came in the side”

You pushed your tongue against the side of your teeth, almost painfully in your eagerness to stay steady.

“I had to have it boarded, we’re going to need to get someone in to fix it” you informed him, his frown not clearing,

“Right, well I can see to that in the morning if that’s what-“ his hand waved out towards the stairs as he pushed off and tried to approach you.

“How do you think the window got put through?”

He sighed, leaning back against the wall.

“I know you’re going to fucking tell me and somehow it’ll be my bloody fault” he wiped a finger at his nose, and you ran your tongue over your lips.

“The kids shot it through, Johnny”

He stilled, his eyes wandering over the ceiling slowly. He rolled his head down, looking along the corridor, avoiding your gaze. He suddenly looked panicked and his eyes flicked back and forth.

“How did they-“

“The gun you ‘hid’ wasn’t hidden well enough. They thought it was a toy. They were playing robbers” you spat out through your teeth.

John looked hollow as his eyes flicked back and forth, his face paling in a way you rarely ever saw. “It was-I only loaded one, just enough that if someone came in I could-“

“It only takes one! One touch, one squeeze, and one of our kids are gone! It missed by inches, can you fucking imagine what-”

“They’re not hurt though,” he stepped forward to the door and you slammed your hand onto the wood before bringing it up to push back against his chest. He moved both hands over yours, flattening the palm out against the thump of his heart and he pulled you back with him.

“Tell me they’re alright. Babe, tell me please. Tell me they’re-“ he plead, and you wrenched your eyes shut tight.

He was breathless, heaving and staggering when you looked back to him.

You brought your other hand up to shove a finger into the side of his throat, right at the juncture where it met his collar. You spoke through gritted teeth.

“Grazed Georgey right here. He’s got a good burn scrape but he barely bled, compared to what it could have caused”

John nearly buckled, his head falling almost to your shoulder but you kept your finger shoved in tight. Tears were streaming down your face and everything was becoming hazy, blocks of colours and movement. You equally collapsed into him, the strength you'd been trying to hold for the kids sake dissolving in his grasp.

“He didn’t cry for ages, Johnny. It scared the shit out of me, staring straight through me. Shocked half to death he was – little baby didn’t know what to do, he’s a fucking boy, ain’t he, don’t know what to do!

Joe comes in screaming he’s shot his brother and I go out to find he’s lying there like a fucking corpse. I nearly went with him, right there, Johnny. Nearly fucking went-“

You broke down to sobs and John pulled you to him. Your finger fell slack against his shoulder, skimming over his chest until it grabbed at his collar. You felt him heaving sobs too and his face pressed into the side of your throat, the fan of his breath blowing down your shirt and fluttering the fabric there.

“Oh, God. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry” He repeated it out like a prayer. Spoke it a dozen times, a dozen more.

“I thought…I thought-for just a moment Johnny, I thought he was gone. I thought we’d lost him”

He shook his head, knocking against your jaw and he gasped a breath, pulling himself back up and wiping his face off.

“Where is it now? I’ll…get it out the house. I’ll put it somewhere else”

“I gave it to Pol, she’s already done it” you reassured.

He nodded, avoiding your eyes again. You slumped against his side, worrying your finger at your lip. He kept an arm slung around your shoulders, supporting his back flat against the wall. He sniffed, wiping the cuff off his sleeve over his eyes, his nose, his mouth.

“Is he alright. George?”

“He’s fine. He’s fine. He cried for a long time, afterwards. Had to sit him on my lap and hold him for such a long time. In a blanket til he slept, like he was a baby again. Haven’t done it since he was a baby, bundled him like that”

He kept his eyes to the floor, sliding his jaw so subtly you almost couldn’t see it.

“Joe?” he asked after your other son.

“I want you to speak to him, when he wakes up. He was upset, wouldn’t speak to me. He thought he’d killed his brother, he was…I’ve never seen that look in his eyes” you replied, and his head tilted, his eyes flicking shut for a moment longer.

“And Katie?”

You sighed heavily. “She was in the fucking loo, didn’t know shit had happened ‘til it was over”

He gasped a laugh, almost turning to a sob, and he shoved a knuckle into his eye.

You managed a weak smile, rubbing your sleeve over your cheeks. “No, she was good. Wanted to show off her nursing skills. She wouldn’t cry ‘til the boys were asleep. Polly had the baby, they’re fine”

“I’m so sorry”

“I know”

“I am so…sorry” he insisted.

“I know. I wasn’t…”

“Don’t tell me you’re not fucking angry with me”

“It scared me shitless, Johnny. Scared me so fucking-“

The door cracked open and both of you wiped your palms over your faces, fluttering about.

“Are you fighting?” your daughter asked, uncertain eyes flicking between your stuttering forms.

“No, Katty, no” you soothed.

“Is it about today?”

“Yes, sweetheart”

“Eh, your mum told me you were brilliant,” John shoved his cap in his pocket, kneeling down in front of her and bringing his hands around her “I’m proud of you”.

She looked down, toying with the ear of her bear.

“I was really scared” she admitted, and he rubbed his thumb into her curls.

“I know, sweetheart. I know you were”

“But I remember you said being scared wasn’t bad. It just meant you got to prove how brave you were. So I tried to be brave” she continued.

“I love you so fucking much – you know that?” he jostled her in his arms as he spoke.

“Johnny!” you chastised his choice of words.

She nodded, flicking her eyes up to you when you scolded him for his language and smiling a little. The scrunchy little smile she did when she knew it was something naughty she wasn’t supposed to smile but she couldn’t help herself.

“Mummy swore a lot when you weren’t here” she admitted, and you rolled your eyes at being dobbed in.

“Don’t fucking blame her” your husband replied.

“John!” you called out in exasperation at the pair of them.

“Love you too, daddy” Katie pulled him into a hug, ignoring your protests.

“Yeah, you better. Right, back in bed – Mum’ll be in a bit”

“No, I need a wee. So move” she tried to scrambled out of his grip.

“What, again?”

She swung her arm up to knock the bear against his face and he moved with the blow, rolling his jaw as he turned back to her. She giggled a little at his scowl and wiggled out of his grasp towards the bathroom.

“You letting her drink from the hose or summat?” he looked up to you.

“We needed tea to calm our nerves. A couple bloody pots and then a few more” you adjusted your dressing gown as the sodden sleeve stuck to your skin.

He rose, turning his head over his shoulder to watch her go.

“I’ll stay in their room” he offered and you shook your head.

“No, don’t”

“I don’t want you—“

“Johnny, don’t be a twat. Get your kit off, have a wash, and make us a brew. Then I want you in there with the kids. You don’t get to be noble tonight, I need you. We need you” you insisted.

He grasped your head, a hand on both sides of your jaw, and brought you in for a deep kiss. You poured out all the day’s emotion into him, grasping at his throat, his chest. You both jumped when a shriek came from the bathroom and he pulled away from you to take the few steps to the doorway, exhaling when he looked through. He scratched at his nose, swiping down before bringing his palm out in front of him to punctuate.

“Katie, I’ve told you – stop trying to jump and do at the same time- right, you need to step off the loo and then pull your pants up else you fall on your bloody face, don’t you?!”

“Daddy, help” her voice implored.

You couldn’t see her but you knew she was throwing her arms up the way she did and you pictured her lying on the floor, breaking out into a laugh.

“Don’t laugh at her, it encourages her. I’m trying to fucking parent over her and you’re laughing like-“ he waved over at you.

“Johnny, sort your kid out, yeah?” you nodded towards the door with a scrunched smile, and he shook his head at you.

“Fucking hell”

He stepped off the hall into the room and you heard them bickering between each other before the flush and the run of the tap came. You rolled your eyes, stepping back into the room. One of the masses under the blanket turned towards you, their face poking further out of the covers as they went.

“Hey, sleepy boy. How you feeling?”

“Is Dad home?” George mumbled out in his still hazy state.

“Yeah, he’s helping Katie. He’ll be here in a minute” you soothed.

You crouched down by the bed, pulling his collar away to check at his bandage.

“I dreamt I was a soldier. When dad was, we were all there, I was with them” he recounted, and your blood ran cold. You shook your head with a light smile, pushing hair back from his sweaty temple.

“Well you weren’t baby, ok. You’re not a soldier. You don’t have to be a soldier”

He adjusted in the covers, unphased by your words. “No, I wasn’t scared, mum. I was brave, I promise”

Your heart fell into the pit of your stomach at the thought and you smoothed his hair away from his temple.

“I’m glad you weren’t scared, baba. I don’t like it when my boys gets scared”

He sniffed, rolling over a little more as his still sleeping brother moved to grip at his arm once more, cuddling up to his back.

“Did Katie fall in the loo again?” George asked, and you rested your head softly against the blanket.


End file.
